I haven't said much about it on my blog mostly because I don't want creepers to know he's away. But I've gotten a chance to write my feelings down and I'd like to share them now. I read something on tumbler (without a link) similar and wanted to have something like it to look back on.
At 133 days without my better half.
In a few ways, I’ve gotten used to being alone.
I’ve gotten used to not having him next to me all the time. I’ve gotten used to having that empty space in our bed. I’ve gotten used to the sound of silence when I’m in our home all by myself after mason has gone to bed. I’ve gotten used to it always being "my turn" to take the dogs out or change mason or even do the dishes or take a trip to the garbage. I’ve gotten used to driving everywhere by myself and deciding what to watch and going to sleep by myself.
I no longer expect to wake up and see Travis' face when I open my eyes. I no longer expect a hug after I walk in the door or to see him in the kitchen upstairs at work. I no longer expect to turn around and see him sitting on the couch, or hear him yelling at the tv.
There are shadows and whispers of his existence - his side of the closet and his tools on the dryer I haven't moved but won't use. It seems like nothing has changed… Except, everything has. The sounds he used to make, the sounds that helped everything work better, go better and seem better. Those sounds have faded and it's hard to remember just how perfect they were.
All that we fought about, all the times I rolled my eyes or pretended to listen seem so unimportant now. Like I would be grateful to have them back if it meant in return I could have the hugs and the laughter. Even the tickles that hurt or the boring shows on tv.
I’ve gotten used to waiting for phone calls and FaceTime dates. I’ve learned how to push through the hard days when no one is there to listen to my cries. I’ve learned that being strong is both overrated and misunderstood. I’ve learned that I’m not always allowed to mope. I've learned that i can fix the light bulb, cut a lock and deal with grumpy clients. I've learned to get over bad days and look forward to new ones. I can stand up for myself and our son and buy and change a door knob. I hate it but I can also pump my own gas, work 10 hours and still clean the house. I’ve learned that I am able to do so much more without him here than I thought I was going to be able to do. I’ve learned so many things.
But mostly, I’ve learned that I love Travis more than I ever thought a person could.
Being alone hurts. I resent the silence that surrounds me, but the silence also makes me a promise that this is only temporary. One day the thundering silence will give way to his beautiful laughter, and we will fill our house with our voices and our love. Being alone right now means that one day I won’t be alone anymore. The loneliness, the long nights, the tears, the frustration, the independence, the love, the strength, the experience, the anguish… I’ve learned to love it all, because all those things will somehow bring me back to together. To us!
So, until the day he comes home to me, I’ll stay in this silence… And I’ll learn to love that, too.