Sunday, May 11, 2014

Thoughts on my military life

Friday was military spouse day. It's a hard job but I do it because I love this country and I love this man!

I haven't said much about it on my blog mostly because I don't want creepers to know he's away. But I've gotten a chance to write my feelings down and I'd like to share them now. I read something on tumbler (without a link) similar and wanted to have something like it to look back on. 
At 133 days without my better half. 
In a few ways, I’ve gotten used to being alone.
I’ve gotten used to not having him next to me all the time. I’ve gotten used to having that empty space in our bed. I’ve gotten used to the sound of silence when I’m in our home all by myself after mason has gone to bed. I’ve gotten used to it always being "my turn" to take the dogs out or change mason or even do the dishes or take a trip to the garbage. I’ve gotten used to driving everywhere by myself and deciding what to watch and going to sleep by myself.
I no longer expect to wake up and see Travis'  face when I open my eyes. I no longer expect a hug after I walk in the door or to see him in the kitchen upstairs at work. I no longer expect to turn around and see him sitting on the couch, or hear him yelling at the tv. 
There are shadows and whispers of his existence - his side of the closet and his  tools on the dryer I haven't moved but won't use. It seems like nothing has changed… Except, everything has. The sounds he used to make, the sounds that helped everything work better, go better and seem better. Those sounds have faded and it's hard to remember just how perfect they were.
All that we fought about, all the times I rolled my eyes or pretended to listen seem so unimportant now. Like I would be grateful to have them back if it meant in return I could have the hugs and the laughter. Even the tickles that hurt or the boring shows on tv. 
I’ve gotten used to waiting for phone calls and FaceTime dates. I’ve learned how to push through the hard days when no one is there to listen to my cries. I’ve learned that being strong is both overrated and misunderstood. I’ve learned that I’m not always allowed to mope. I've learned that i can fix the light bulb, cut a lock and deal with grumpy clients. I've learned to get over bad days and look forward to new ones. I can stand up for myself and our son and buy and change a door knob. I hate it but I can also pump my own gas, work 10 hours and still clean the house. I’ve learned that I am able to do so much more without him here than I thought I was going to be able to do.  I’ve learned so many things.
But mostly, I’ve learned that I love Travis  more than I ever thought a person could.
Being alone hurts. I resent the silence that surrounds me, but the silence also makes me a promise that this is only temporary. One day the thundering silence will give way to his beautiful laughter, and we will fill our house with our voices and our love. Being alone right now means that one day I won’t be alone anymore. The loneliness, the long nights, the tears, the frustration, the independence, the love, the strength, the experience, the anguish… I’ve learned to love it all, because all those things will somehow bring me back to together. To us!
So, until the day he comes home to me, I’ll stay in this silence… And I’ll learn to love that, too.
Almost there!!

Happy Mother's Day

Love this sweet boy that made me understand love and motherhood. 

This Mother's Day I've been thinking of my sweet mother as I usually do. But today I was thinking of who I am because of my mom. I thought of five specific things that changed me because I was raised by her. 

I remember when I was just entering high school and my mom told me to be nice to everyone. Seems like an important thing to learn. I took it to heart and tried my best to honestly be genuinely nice to everyone. I had friends all over school and was generally well liked because of it. She let me make my own choices on who to date and who to hang out with. I got to learn what type of people I wanted to surround myself with. These lessons were so important once I was out on my own. 

I remember my mom celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones and accomplishments of anyone close to us. She would bring us balloons and flowers, make someone treats, create a quilt for a certain someone all the time. She was always so giving of her time and talents. She is definitely a gift giver and I am so glad I got that trait from her!

My mom stood up for me when I was in a verbally abuse relationship. I don't know what would have happened if she didn't stand up for me when I couldn't. That moment really changed the course of my future relationships and now I have a husband who would never treat me that way.  

My mom can be so silly. I remember laughing in the kitchen until I cried because my mom was such a goof! I love that side of her every time I see it and it makes me feel like "I'm hers" every time! 

I remember the first time I was sick and away from my mom. It was so sad to take care of myself. When we were sick my mom took such great care of us to make us feel better. I remember even more the first time I was sick when I was a mom. I don't remember many times my mom having "sick days" not because she wasn't ever sick. But because she fought through it in order to keep being a great mom. My mom came and took care of me after my complications with delivery and she was the sweetest as always. 

I love her dearly for the sweet, caring, silly, strong woman she is. And I am trying so hard to be the type of mom Mason needs. I love you mom. Happy day  today and every day!

Grandpa Jerry has a tractor

We went to visit Travis grandparents and mason spotted the tractor out the window.  He was so excited!!
He didn't have a shirt on because he got car sick but it turned out to make cuter pictures. 

Mason kept asking grandpa to "raise the scoop" it made me laugh. 

Love my little farm boy. 

"Dino" graduation

This sweet boy finished his first year of "school". I am so happy and proud of my little man!

They got to play on the playground and gramzi came to play too!
I love this picture!! It is one of my absolute favorites!!

Playing on the slide. I love that mason asked Chris to go on the slide and she just went for it. He's a lucky boy!!
Mason sitting with a few of his friends. 
Mason and teacher courtney getting his book, diploma and pencil

Love this little cheezer 
Out of 20 takes this is the best one ha ha toddlers!

Gramzi and gg  celebrating with mason. It was so special to have them there. 
Kisses for everyone. 

My favorite two year old!!!
Teacher Clarissa
Teacher Courtney
Mason's Dinos teachers. They were so great. I love love love both. And can't thank them enough!!
And silly mason (it's already begun!)

But I got a good one. 

Happy graduation mason!!!

Crystals baby shower

We had the cutest shower for crystal and her baby girl due in July. 

Chandra and I planned the shower (more on my craft blog) and we had great food as friends. We did crafts (bows and binkie leashes) for baby Aria.  It was a lot of fun. 

Mason loved the attention. Wearing my glasses and bows and just being silly. 

I love the group of the girls I work with. It was a fun fun party!!


This photo makes me laugh so hard it needs it's own post. 
Upside down glasses
Dog tags 
Tshirt pulled up
Shorty shorts 
and strap sandals
And his face
Oh my goodness. He is so special and I love everything about him even when he is so silly!!

Silly glasses.

Mason got these new glasses from Chuck and Renee. Mason looks so funny but so adorable at the same time. 

April pictures and quotes

A random collections of April photos. 
Mason made this crown for New Year's Eve. He still wears it and is so proud of it. 

John gaves these boots to mason. He calls them his "uncle Eric" boots which is funny since they are exactly like boots Travis brother Eric would wear. 

Mason loving cupcakes. 
Mason and I take lots of selfie to send Travis. 
Excited for sunglasses and hats!!

Too cute walking by my desk out to the playground. 

Mason loves to hid in the dog bed. Even when his legs are showing he thinks I can't see him and says. "where's mason?"
mason loves to wear teacher Courtney's sunglasses. He looks so cute!!
Sunday best. A sweater with elbow patches!!
Pink church shirt!!

I said "um mason what are you doing" he replied "eating grapes" ha ha at least they are healthy. And he also can unlock the child lock now. 
Mason got into the baby powder. It was halarious and frustrating all at the same time ha ha 
Mason was pretty proud of himself for climbing all the way up here. He even said take my picture and send to daddy
Grandma sent a new swim suit. We had fun wearing it to the pool. 

Mason said he was going to the army camp like daddy

Love my sweet boy!!

"Taking a nap" at school on the tiny couch. 

Mason got a new bear. He named it "Travis" it growls. When mason showed Travis he said "don't be scared it's just pretend"

A few silly things mason has said this month

He is really into "Rules" lately. He says "that's the rules" after kind of being bossy. My favorite is "green light go red light stop that's the rules"

Mason has started a list of thing he wants to do when Travis gets back. He said he wants to go bowling everyday. He  also wants to ride his big bike and drive in his truck and go camping and mow the lawn and watch football